To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
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your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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