I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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