I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
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Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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