I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
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It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
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Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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