She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
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No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
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In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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