i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
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easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
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