and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
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Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
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It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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