I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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