I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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