those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
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I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
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I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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