she woke up with a sticky ear
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
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We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
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He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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