So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
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Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
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Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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