Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
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Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
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Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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