How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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