I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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