Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
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I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
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She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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