the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
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Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
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I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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