the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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