I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
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Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
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BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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