Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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