So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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