worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
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you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
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I can't trust your balls anymore.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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