I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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