Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
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it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
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Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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