I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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