I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
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I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
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I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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