Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
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He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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