I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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