did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
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my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
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What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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