Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize