So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
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i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
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You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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