Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
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I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
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Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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