there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize