Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize