Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
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TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
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You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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