He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
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She told me I should be a condom model.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
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I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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