Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
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Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
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Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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