please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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