Small penises have feelings too.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
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woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
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There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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