Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Betty ford says i'm here all night
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
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dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
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I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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