You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
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I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
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Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
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