remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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