i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
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I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
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I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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