i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
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I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
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I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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