I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
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Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
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Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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