3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
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Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
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I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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