I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
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...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
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I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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