she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
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Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
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She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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