I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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