i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Randomize